listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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