God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
