My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
