Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
