you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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