I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
