Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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