i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
