this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
