Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
