I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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