I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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