Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
