The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
