i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My ATM looks so different sober.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You made out with two different species that night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
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You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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