My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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