I accidentally had phone sex last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
