Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
