just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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