things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
