Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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