Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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