So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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