I think scott just propositioned me for sex
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
