I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
