is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
