last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
