I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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