I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
