God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
