People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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