i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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