anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
