I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
