his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
