she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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