Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
