i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
