you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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