I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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