i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
