my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
