When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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