if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
