If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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