OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
