don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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