Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
