Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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