The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
