I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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