Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
