Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
