Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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