I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
