shes about as inviting as chlamydia
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
