Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
